15 – Sexual Deserts

15 – Sexual Deserts

Imagine that you were in the middle of the Sahara Desert. It is midday and obviously it is scorching hot. Your mouth is dry. Your clothes are tattered and worn. You managed to squeeze the last drop of water from your canteen.

Then off in the distance you see an oasis. Your dry and parched face suddenly has reason to smile.

“Allah u Akbar!!! Allah u Akbar!!!” you exclaim wildly as you run towards the desert oasis.

You run as fast as your legs will carry you.

All of a sudden the Oasis gets further and further away.

You run faster hoping to make up the distance but still the fresh blue water gets further and further from your reach.

Then it dawns on you that the Oasis you saw was a mirage. A figment of your imagination. An optical illusion if you will.

How would you feel at that moment?

Now imagine that same scenario playing out over and over and over again for five,ten even twenty years.

Sounds scary right???

This is exactly what millions of Muslim women experience within their own homes. Sexual frustration is rife in the ummah of Muhammad (s.a.w.). Women are angry, sad and depressed.


They are sexually unfulfilled because you, my brother, do not take care of her needs or desires.

Allah tells us in His Mighty Book:

“Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth when or how you will” [al-Baqarah 2:223].

Here Allah is telling us she is like a piece of land that you can return to anytime you wish and in any position you wish. A farmer would never run out to his property, dig a hole,throw in a seedling, cover it up and walk away.

He would first plow the soil. Introduce fertilizers and fresh soil to his land.

Secondly He would make sure that the seedling he is planting is of the best quality.

Thirdly he would dig the hole deep enough to allow for the seed to grow and sprout.

He would make sure the garden was free of rodents, weeds and other factors that would stunt the growth of the seedling.

He would take His time and water the seedling and make sure it was in the right place to receive sunlight in order for it to grow. As the plant grows He would install a fence to protect the plant from poachers,rabbits etc.

This is his investment on the line and he must recoup on His investment.

Well, your wife is an investment brother and according to the complaints that I have received from numerous Muslim women who confide in me during counseling..the gardens have been invaded with weeds, underbrush of all kinds, thieves are running rampant in the gardens and the plants are dying because you have been a neglectful husband.

One common complaint I have received is the “Back” complaint. It goes something like this.

You and your wife are at home and you decide that you want sex. Your wife complies with your demands and readies herself for you. You also prepare yourself. You come in the room ready to “Get Down”.

You can not wait patiently for her to get in the mood and in the process she is getting ready to “receive” you.

In your excitement…you decide to simply lubricate your penis with ky jelly or Vaseline and enter your wife. You are engrossed in your actions and so you climax rather quickly and roll over and go to sleep.


Brothers…we must learn to care and caress our wives so that she can have sexual completion just like you did. Being good to one’s wife is an indication of whether or not you are a good Muslim or not.

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behaviour, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”.[At-Tirmidhi]

Are you so engrossed in your own needs that you totally disregard this human being next to you?? She was given by Allah to you so you can take pleasure in her. Don’t you want her to reach orgasmic bliss before you do? Wanting joy or happiness for another Muslim before experiencing it for yourself is a part of Iman.

Anas relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim

My dear brother there is nothing wrong with foreplay. You should want your wife to be at ease and to enjoy the sexual experience. Kissing, fondling, and saying nice and romantic things to her before you engage in sexual activity are all forms of foreplay.

We have a beautiful example in the Messenger of Allah in this regard.

Sayyiduna Jabir ibn Abd Allah (Allah be pleased with him) narrates: “I was in the company of the messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) in a battle……The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to me: “Did you marry?” I answered: “yes”. He said: “A virgin or a non-virgin?” I said: “A non-virgin”. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Why not a virgin so that you may play with her and she can play with you?”… (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 1991)

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also stated:

“Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horse and playing with one’s wife”. (Sunan Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Ibn Majah).

Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said: “One of you should not fulfil one’s (sexual) need from one’s wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.” (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)

Taking one’s time is essential in lovemaking. Rushing is from the Shaytan my dear brother.

Sahl Ibn Sa’d reported : The Messenger of Allah,peace and blessings be upon Him,said,
“Clemency is from Allah and Haste is from Shaytan.” {Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2012}

Communication is also important in lovemaking. You must find out what she needs, what she likes, where she likes it and how often. You have rights over her in the marital tie. She should obey you and protect her chastity in your absence among other things.

But, did you know that she has rights over you and one of those rights is sexual fulfillment? In a famous incident Salman Al-Farisi (may Allah exalt their mention) reported:

“I went to visit my brother in faith, Abu-Darda (may Allah exalt their mention) and upon arrival, I was greeted by his spouse Umm Darda (may Allah exalt their mention) who was in an unkempt state. Seeing that, I asked her, What is the matter with you; why are you in this state and not attentive to your husband?’
She said: Your brother, Abu-Darda has no interest in this world and its affairs. He spends his nights praying and days fasting!
Upon the arrival of Abu-Darda, who welcomed Salman and offered him some food, Salman said: Why don’t you eat with me?
Abu-Darda said: I am fasting.
Salman said: By Allah you must break your fast and eat with me.
Abu-Darda broke his fast and ate with Salman. Salman spent that night with Abu-Darda, and Abu Darda got up during the night to offer some night prayers whereupon Salman stopped him from doing so, saying: Your body has certain rights upon you, your Lord has certain rights upon you, and your family has certain rights upon you. Fast some days and break the fast on others, approach your spouse (for marital relations). Grant everyone their due right.
Just before the break of dawn, Salman permitted Abu-Darda to get up and offer prayers. Both of them rose, performed ablution, offered prayers and then headed to the Masjid to offer Fajr (dawn) prayer. Upon finishing the prayer with the Prophet of Allah (Peace be upon Him) Abu-Darda reported to the Prophet about the incident. The Prophet of Allah (Peace be upon Him) said: Salman has spoken the truth.”

[Bukhari #1867

Brother…are you willing to lose your family because you refuse to consider your wife’s feelings? For years all she has been to you is a receptacle for your “seed”.


It is amazing how so many women will stay in a terrible marriage and remain totally unfulfilled in order to keep the family together. Brothers are on the other hand is a totally different matter altogether.

I have personally known of cases where a brother will divorce a woman because “she was not sexy enough” and destroy the family because he could not reach an orgasim or feel sexual happiness with his wife.


Then these same brothers are angry when they catch her cheating or God Forbid masturbating because you have not taken the time to care for your garden!!!

Brothers…lets fear Allah and remember that she is a trust from Allah to you.

Take care of your garden. Protect it, look after it, be gentle with it.

If you are good and dutiful to your garden..you will see it produce a yield of fruits and vegetables that you have never seen or tasted before. She will love you all over again.

The food will taste better. The sex will be better. The house will be cleaner.

She will go out of her way to seduce and please you. Please take my advice for I am your brother in Islam. May Allah forgive me for the mistakes I made writing this article for the mistakes are mine.


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5 Responses to 15 – Sexual Deserts

    • zar. May Allah swt have mercy on you!. I am so saddened to hear of the hardship you are having to endure. I will most certainly make dua for you and since it is Ramadhan (the most blessed month), I sincerely hope our duas will be accepted and that you will be blessed with beautiful, pious children. Inshallah Khair!. May I ask, have you not been to a fertility doctor or better still, a hakeem for treatment?. What about adopting an orphaned muslim child, especially one from a poor country?. Would you consider that?. Taking care of the orphan is the most blessed acts a muslim brother or muslimah could ever do. In fact our beloved nabeeh said ‘whoever takes care of an orphan is like close to me like this…..’ and with that, Rasool-Allah crossed two fingers together to signify the closeness of both digits.

  1. Assalamu Alaickum Varah,
    Dear Sisters & brothers…I’m married for a year and still childless…please include me in your sincere dues for me to bear a child.
    The pressure am getting into because of many social and family reasons are beyond explanation. I’m scared if I do not bear a child within next few months my marriage might be into trouble. When I’m posting this mail am broken into pieces and tears. Ya Rabb grant me a pious child asap…Ya Allah azawajal you are Wahab so grant me …I beg you Allah…

    Please ummah remember me in your sincere prayers… I have made sincere dues and learnt supplications from Quran,… if you ppl know anything else pls let me know :'(

    Am not able to withstand amongst such a society…Ya Allah give me the strength to bear… :'(

    Jazakallah Qair Ummah….

  2. This is a nice but also a sad article. Imagine the loneliness these poor sisters feel (being ostracized is a terrible thing to endure). To be honest, there are many nice muslim brothers out there who are also suffering the same hardship. I know one brother and he is a lovely guy. He is 43 years old and has a heart of gold, but he is still single. He has never had a relationship in his entire life. Women have never been interested in him. In fact, most women either completely ignore him or they are really nasty to him. I feel so sorry for the brother because he obviously feels very lonely and there are times when it brings tears to his eyes. I cannot understand why women have just written him off. He is a genuinely nice guy, is polite and friendly, is a university graduate and gives charity on a regular basis. He is also a blood donor (he has been donating blood for 14 years because he feels happy if his blood can help someone). He is an average looking guy but all of his other qualities and inner beauty increases his overall quality. Wallahi, I feel sorry for this brother. I just wish there was something I could do to help him and also help sisters who are also in the same position. May Allah swt grant these genuinely nice people the happiness they deserve in this duniya and in Jannatul Firdaus (Inshallah Khair).

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