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Master Your Emotions And You Will Master Your Relationships

Your Emotions Rule You

We are but human beings all too often residing in a reactionary state. It is important to understand then, that your emotions govern your relationships.

Think about it.

When you experience any emotion whether it’s positive or negative, isn’t it more heightened when your spouse is a variable?

Let’s say someone made you angry (and boy, don’t some people have the ability to consistently press buttons that under your skin).

But isn’t it interesting how your spouse, who you’ve invested so much of your time, energy, love, and life into, can really bring out some intense emotions?


This is why it’s extremely important to learn how to manage your emotions.

In a relationship, as in life, you will be tested with trials and tribulations. You may go through some extremely rocky times and you will have to learn to readjust to particular events as they show up.

Mastering your emotions will help you to clearly communicate with yourself, and your spouse, your needs and wants.

What if there was a way to manage your emotions so that they actually empower you and serve your relationship as oppose to govern them?

Impossible you say?

Let’s look at a study conducted by Tony Robins as he breaks down the 10 major negative emotions he calls “Action triggers.”

These action triggers, as Robins explains, are messages communicated to us that a specific change is needed immediately. Take a look as we analyze how to manage our emotions so that we can better manage our relationships.

  1. When you’re feeling uncomfortable – Tony suggests that an event happened which calls for you to change your state, clarify what you want, and take action in that direction.
  2. When you’re experiencing any type of fear, concern, worry, anxiety, Tony suggests the message being communicated is that we need to prepare ourselves to deal with or avoid a negative consequence of a future event.
  3. When facing feelings of hurt or pain, Tony suggests you have an expectation that has not been met and you have a feeling of loss.
  4. When a person becomes angry, irritated, livid, furious, enraged, or resentful, Tony suggests that an important standard has been violated by someone else or even by you. Pain is an outgrowth hurt that you have not expressed.
  5. When you experience frustration Tony suggests you need to change your approach to achieving your goal. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again you will continue to get the same outcome.
  6. When feelings of disappointment arise, Tony suggests an outcome or expectation you had is not going to happen and you need to change your expectation and make it more appropriate to the situation at hand. Another words make your desired outcome more realistic for where you are right now.
  7. When feelings of guilt and regret arise, Tony suggests you’ve violated one of your own standards and you must do something immediately to make sure this never happens again.
  8. When feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness arise, Tony suggests you need to do something to get better in that particular category right away.
  9. When you begin to feel overloaded, overwhelmed, hopeless, or depressed, Tony suggests you need to re evaluate what’s most important to you. Once you identify the most important aspects in your life you must then take immediate action steps towards that goal. Your self-esteem grows when you take control of your life, and taking control begins with tiny action steps into a better direction.
  10. When feelings of loneliness arise, Tony suggests we need a certain connection with people, whether intimate, friendships, or other. Figure out where you need to connect, then make that connection.

I was intrigued when I came across this profound list of “Action triggers” because the messages being communicated are 100% on point. Tony explains so eloquently that when any of the given emotions arise we must do two things:

  • Change our perception
  • Change our procedure

For example, let’s say you’re anxiously awaiting for your husband to get home from work and you’re in a very loving and affectionate mood.

You know your husband may be a little on the edge coming home from a long day of stressful work so you plan a nice evening at home, a great meal, some good conversation, and some of his favorite dessert.

Well, when your husband comes home, you may be ready to shower him with all the love and affection. However, he may not receive you well because his emotional state may be combined with a few of the above mentions.

Let’s say you reach in to give him a nice warm hug and he rejects you. You try all you can to relieve his stress but it’s not working.

Immediately you begin to feel hurt, uncomfortable, disappointed, or maybe angry.

At this point it is very important to clarify what you’re feeling and identify which emotion it is.

If it’s disappointment you’re feeling, you know that your expectations or desired outcome was not met and now you must do something about it.

First, Change Your Perception

Make excuses for your husband in this situation.

You know he’s a little on edge from a long day of work. And while he knows he should not transfer his frustration on to you, you must try to make excuses finding at least 99 excuses (as the Quran suggests) for his behavior.

Once you change your perception or made excuses for him, then you change your procedure.

You tell your husband in a very comforting tone:

“Honey, I know you had a long exhausting day at work, and I know you are working incredibly hard to provide for this family, however I just feel the strong need to connect to you right now for only 3 minutes. I feel like I just want to be close to you and because you are my life partner I need this from you at this very moment and no one else can give me this. Can I just connect with you from my heart to yours for the next 3 minutes and you can have the rest of the night to work out your emotions?”

Though, your wording might be slightly different, the message you communicated was loud and clear.

Most likely your husband’s mood will be altered automatically from this and you will get your three minutes (or maybe even more) of connection and love affirmation, giving you your original desired outcome.

You’ve simply changed the procedure because the first plan fell through. Even in case this does not get your desired outcome, you revisit your feelings and the process until you do get your desired outcome.

Keep in mind, timing is everything and sometimes you just may have to alter your timing.

Because human beings tend to react to situations, it becomes more understandable how couples who’ve yet to master their emotions and are faced with the daily stresses of life, can make each other miserable?

It should be a high priority for everyone to master or better manage their emotions, especially couples because they are in a ship of relations, or relating to each other everyday of their lives.

Mastering your emotions will help you to better manage your relationships and good relationships are the foundations of great families, which make up outstanding communities, which will produce an incredible nation.

I pray this information helps you better than it has helped me. Implementing these tiny tips has made a huge difference in my life and I pray it does the same for you!

Until Next Time…..

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Muttaqi Ismail

Your virtual Imam.

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