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Are Arranged Marriages Bad

What Is An Arranged Marriage?

If you are Muslim or have been around Muslims for any length of time, you’ve seen or experienced some type of arranged marriage. Perhaps you’re in one yourself or will be in one soon. Or maybe you have a Muslim friend who is about to get into an arranged marriage.

Whatever the case, these types of marriages are very common in the Muslim world. It is common among Muslims from traditionally Muslim regions like Pakistan and West Africa as well as Muslims from western nations like the U.S. and U.K.

Let me first give you my definition of an arranged marriage.

An arranged marriage is one in which the bride and groom are introduced and brought together by the willing collaboration between both of their families.

This is different than just a friendly “hook up.” If your friend introduces you to someone and you wind up getting married, I wouldn’t call this an arranged marriage.

This is a halal “hook up.”

But if your family and your husband’s family met and talked and decided that you two would make a great couple and encouraged you guys to meet and you hit it off and you got married…that is an arranged marriage in my book.arranged-marriage-islam-2

I’ve known of arranged marriages happening with Muslims from India to Indiana. Using my own definition, I myself am in an arranged marriage. I’ve counselled countless couples who were brought together through arranged marriages (some good, some not so good).

So I think I’ve got enough experience in this area to express my opinion on the matter.

And Allah knows best.

Arranged Marriages Vs Forced Marriages

There is a difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages.

Not all arranged marriages are forced. But nearly all forced marriages were arranged.

Sometimes, the line between arranged and forced can be a little blurry. But I’ll try to clear things up a little, Insha’aLlah.

Forced Marriages Are Forbidden In Islam

The truth is, the one who suffers most from a forced marriage is usually the wife. She is usually the one stuck with a husband she doesn’t care for and is unable to escape.

This is a cultural phenomenon and really doesn’t have any place in Islam. Prophet Muhammad forbade forcing women to marry anyone without their permission. Unfortunately there are many Muslims who are continue to stubbornly hold on to this practice even to this day.

Abu Hurairah reported: The Prophet (pbuh) said, “A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.” The people asked, “Oh Messenger of Allah! How can we know her permission?” He said, “By her silence.”

Related in Bukhari.

This is clear evidence that women who have been previously married and virgin women cannot be forced into marriage. But if more evidence is needed, here’s another hadith:

Aishah narrated: A girl came to me and said: ‘My father married me to his brother’s son so that he might raise his own status thereby, and I was unwilling.’ I said: ‘Sit here until the Prophet comes.’ Then the Messenger of Allah came, and I told him (what she had said). He sent word to her father, calling him, and he left the matter up to her. She said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, I accept what my father did, but I wanted to know whether women have any say in the matter.'”

Related in Sunan Nasa’i.

Here we have an example from the time of the Messenger of Allah where a young woman was forced to marry her cousin because her father wanted status. She took the matter to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and rather than annulling the marriage or approving it, he left it up to her.

I personally think there’s lots of wisdom in what the Prophet did. He put the power in the young woman’s hands and let her decide for herself what she wanted rather than order her to do this or do that.

Arranged Marriages Are Not Always Forced

Surprising though it may seem, an arranged marriage is not always necessarily forced. It is possible that two people can be brought together by their family’s collaboration, yet no one is forced to accept the marriage.

Both the man and the woman should have full rights to accept or reject their family’s proposal.

Therefore, it’s easy to conclude that while forced marriages are forbidden in Islam, arranged marriages are not.

Are Arranged Marriages Good?

When most people hear about arranged marriages, especially non-Muslims, they automatically think of them in a negative light. Perhaps this is because they’re confusing arranged and forced.

There also the idea that arranged marriages are something from the past that hurts women and no longer belongs in our modern society. This idea may be because in many western societies (including the U.S.), arranged and forced marriages were once common, but often paired couples who were marrying for material, status, and social reasons.

Speaking from an Islamic point of view, arranged marriages are generally beneficial and good. While there are exceptions, this is the way most young Muslims should get married.

The most common alternative is to randomly meet someone either at work or at school.

Of course these marriages do often work also, but the potential for danger is very great. After all, this usually requires working with and getting to know someone personally enough to build enough of an attraction to desire marriage.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds a little troublesome to me.

How Would An Arranged Marriage Work?

Let’s say my daughter was in her late teens and was ready to get married (yes, I would totally support and encourage my daughter getting married in her late teens). Would I just set her loose on her local college campus and hope and pray she finds a decent Muslim?

Not likely.

I would talk with my friends who have sons around her age who I believe have been raised well. My wife would also talk to their wives until we had some good prospects.

Then my wife and I and the parents of the young man would talk and plan and, yes, scheme, to get these two together.

We might have family dinners, or arrange to go to the same Masjid for Jumuah, or make sure they’re involved in the same activities.

Or I might just go up to my daughter and ask her point blank “Do you wanna marry this guy?

If she said something like, “Eww, gross!“or she started vomiting violently, that would be an indication that she’s probably not interested.

But if she smiled coyly, or said “maybe…” or “I don’t know if he even likes me..” or anything like that, then that’s my green light.

Full steam ahead.

The point is, she has the right and opportunity to accept or reject the proposal. She’s not being forced to do anything.

The young man should also have the same opportunity. If he rejects my daughter, then (after calling him every bad name in the book) we’d just keep it moving and go on with our lives.

Yes, the parents are arranging things, doing background checks, credit checks, blood, drug, and DNA tests and all that stuff. This would be an arranged marriage, but not a forced marriage.

And I’m living proof, after fifteen years, that these marriages can and do work out pretty well so long as Islamic principles are maintained.

Alhamdulillah (All Praises and Thanks to Allah).

5 Responses to Are Arranged Marriages Bad

  1. Salaam. I would have to disagree with the author when it comes to arranged marriages. Ideally, yes, the process should be as smooth as he describes, but far too often it is not. There are several problems here. When parents starting “scheming” then a lot of time and energy is expended, and often wasted, when the young man or woman sees the other for the first time and simply says “no” based on looks alone. Islamically, lack of attraction is a perfectly valid reason to not marry someone. And asking your child if they want to marry so-and-so is an impossible question to answer. How could they possibly know without getting to know a person first? Hopefully your daughter’s response is not “I don’t know if he even likes me”. It should be “I don’t know if I like him”!

    I’ve seen this way too often. Parents get frustrated and pester (not force) their child with all kinds of ridiculous pleas from “looks aren’t everything” (which is absolutely true, but it is something) to “but he’s in med school”. It’s annoying and sometimes, especially with girls, the child reluctantly agrees to meet the prospect only to get their parents off their backs, but instead it gives everyone false hope. In some cases, the child actually proceeds with the marriage because they want to make their parents happy. This is a horrible reason to decide to spend the rest of your life with someone.

    The other issue I have with this article is the naive idea that your daughter is either not meeting boys on her college campus or that she’s incapable of finding someone on her own. If anything, you should “set her loose on her local college campus” to get an education. If she meets someone, then by all means do your background checks, but be very open to her meeting someone because it’s a very real possibility.

    The author also states that meeting someone on your own “usually requires working with and getting to know someone personally enough to build enough of an attraction to desire marriage” is “troublesome”. Really? Getting to know someone personally which would lead to attraction and marriage is troublesome? It sounds like a completely normal and natural way to get married! The key to making sure it doesn’t become “troublesome” is twofold. First off, instill Islamic principles of decency and modesty into your son or daughter when they reach puberty. Secondly, have faith in them as young Muslim adults that they will believe and honor those principles by applying them to their everyday interactions with people. “Halal dating” is becoming the norm. If you do your job as a parent, they’ll know their boundaries when dating.

    No surprise here, but I myself am in a love marriage. I wholeheartedly disagree with arranged marriages, not because I view them as backward, but solely because of the amount of risk involved. Divorce is increasing in the American Muslim community and it’s mostly happening among arranged marriages (at least that’s been my observation of the many divorced couples I know). The reason is because we in the West view divorce as a halal act whereas our parents, steeped in Eastern culture, view it as taboo (hence the relatively low divorce rate of our parents’ generation). The fact that a couple isn’t divorcing is not a valid conclusion that their marriage works.

    Yes, rarely do we see forced marriages anymore but children generally don’t say “no” because of cultural reasons or because the parent doesn’t take a balanced approach to making absolutely sure it’s what their child wants without applying pressure. That’s the reality of it. Perhaps the author is an exception, but for the most part, it doesn’t pan out that way. My observation of arranged marriages within my own family and within the Muslim community in general is that there is very little love in the marriage, usually because their personalities just don’t click. Sure, I’ve met one or two arranged couples that “learned” to love each other and that’s wonderful that it worked out. But it’s rare.

    Although I feel the author is being way too idealistic, a little controlling (and even a bit paranoid), I’m sure he has the best of intentions and I respect his opinion. Peace.

  2. In various Muslim countries, marriages are arranged by their parents and these marriages are more successful then love marriage, because parents usually can take better decision and they find a practicing Muslim who is good in character rather than appearance. There life with a person who have good characteristics can be more better.

  3. […] The article in question: Are Arranged Marriages Bad? […]

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