7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

What’s Going Through Your Muslim Husband’s Mind?

Ever wish you could read your husband’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.

However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives.

Part of the problem is also that sometimes it is hard to actually formulate our thoughts into the right words.

The only thing more difficult than translating thoughts to words is translating feelings to words.

Photo courtesy amrufm

So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.

This quick list is for the Muslim sisters in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your husband thinks about, but just doesn’t know how, or want, to tell you.

1. Above All, He Desires Your Respect

I spoke about this in my article “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”.

In this article, I explained that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them.

It’s important that Muslim women understand the value of respect for men, especially Muslim men. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families.

You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a man, who tries his best to care for his family, to be married to a woman who doesn’t respect him. She may declare that she loves him, but without her respect, he will quickly fall out of love with her.

This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:

Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.

Chapter 4, Verse 34

If you fear there is a problem in your marriage sisters, I would suggest you start here.

>>Here’s What I Did To Earn My Wife’s Respect<<

2. He Desires Your Loyalty

This goes hand in hand with respect.

There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you.

I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.

What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.

Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.

And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.

If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.

Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:

  • He loses his job and the money gets tight.
  • He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.
  • His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.

You should be loyal to your husband before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).

If you’re loyal to your husband, than rest assured he’ll be loyal to you.

3. He Wants To Have Sex More Often

Let’s get this right out into the open.

Some women might think men are narrow-minded brutes for this, but it’s the truth.

Men desire sex. Men really desire sex.

So when you give him the following excuses:

  • “I’ve got a headache.”
  • “I’m not feeling good.”
  • “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”

Know that your husband is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if he doesn’t show it.

And do this often enough, he’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to him being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.

Please keep the following hadith in mind:

When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.

Bukhari and Muslim.

Something to think about.

4. He Thinks About Other Women

Okay, first of all, calm down. Don’t unsubscribe from my mailing list just yet. Let me explain this.

All men think about other women.

It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on you.

It doesn’t mean he’s thinking about taking a second wife.

It doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about another woman.

It just means that all (straight) men do, at some point in their lives, consider having another woman (i.e. wife).

You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about men.

The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:

  • Respect him.
  • Be loyal to him.
  • Give him physical love when he wants it.

Does this mean he’ll never take a second wife if you do these three things? Of course not.

But it will raise your value in his mind relative to other woman and he’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.

5. He Wants To Make You Happy

Why do you think men work so hard to make money?

Why do you think men are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?

Why do you think men like buying women gifts?

Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy. :)

Sometimes we screw it up and forget our anniversary. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.

So when your husband buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank him profusely, and use it as often as possible.

If he buys you some jewelry, wear it.

If he buys you a new smartphone, use it.

If he buys you a car, drive it.

And don’t be so quick to nag him about the things he doesn’t do right. Because then he’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things he does do for you.

6. If You Nudge Him, He Can Be A Better Muslim

Nobody’s perfect.

Perhaps your husband isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps he’s not the best Muslim in the world.

You can nudge him to make him better. But you can’t force him.

Do little things to get him to improve his Islam.

  • Offer to wake him up for Salaatul Fajr.
  • Encourage him to make Salaah at the Masjid.
  • Tell him how much nicer he’d look if he grew his beard.

This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action. No one likes to be preached to.

But if you do this right, you’ll be getting a double reward:

The reward that comes with living with a righteous husband. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

Chapter 103, Verse 3

7. He Loves You, Even If He Doesn’t Always Show It

I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).

Men are just not that good at showing emotion (unless we’re talking sports or politics).

We don’t tell our wives “I love you” often enough.

We’re not perfect. And constantly comparing us to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ain’t helping.

Of course, we are supposed to emulate him (pbuh) as much as we can. And for most of us, we are doing the best we can.

But we just can’t treat you the same way he (pbuh) treated his wives. Similarly, it’s unfair for men to expect their wives to behave like Aisha (RA) and his other wives (RA) did.

Just because your husband doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives, doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you.

It just means he’s human.

It is very important that you understand this.

  • If he’s doing his best to take care of you.
  • If he doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
  • If he sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way he can.

Then chances are he loves you. A lot.

Now move from in front of the television and go make me a sandwich.


39 Responses to 7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

  1. This was a very good.post my husband is muslim and im an american my religion is jewish but german jew.. i like to read stuff like this.because of the fact we have “enemy” religions yet they’re cousin religions im not orthodox and he doesnt really pray unless he is stressed out, but other than that with him working 9 1/2hrs and me working 12 hrs i think we’re doing a pretty good job when it comes down to respecting and loving each other.. but some times i feel like i can do better thats how i found this page. Your info helped me understand why he is the way he is sometimes.. he doesnt understand all the AMERICAN ways quite yet but he is slowely learning and i respect that.. but i have (1) question…. (why does he always think he is right and i mean no matter how many points i make to him that makes sense he refuses to listen and then when he ends up realizing i was right he WILL NOT say i was right he is so hard headed and always finds out the hard way that he was wrong) please respond or email me the reason. Thanks

    • Doesn’t sound like a Muslim thing- sounds like an ego thing. Islam teaches that the one who says sorry first is the better of the two because they were humble- even if you feel you are in the right and the other person is wrong- Islam says to apologize anyway because that is how you mend relations. Your husband’s behavior could be from the CULTURE he was raised in, or just his personality. My friend’s hubby was the same way but after yrs of telling him how important it is for her that he admits his faults (b/c she does the same when she’s wrong) he started doing it. She told him it’s not fair to have double standards where he expects her to own up to her mistakes, but he won’t do the same. She had to say it several different ways over yrs of time before he finally got it. Remind him u’re not out to get him and u’re just trying to find the best solution to things and it’s ok to admit our own faults especially in the comfort of our spouse who loves us. Good luck.

  2. my husband has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. He is very affectionate with her, and as she is pretty he often comments on her looks or what she is wearing. It makes me uncomfortable, and he sometimes strokes her bottom or even brushes a hand against her breasts as though by accident. But I thought it was not my place to comment. However two nights ago as I went to bed he said he was going into his daughters room to ask her something. He came back to our room after about ten minutes and had an odd expression. When he got into bed wearing boxer shorts I could smell something, and soon realised that the smell was from sex. It was obvious he had put his penis in a girls vagina and it must have been his daughter. I wanted to look at his penis to see if it had body fluids on it but he said he wanted to sleep. So after he was snoring I got out of bed and went into the gir’s bedroom. She was awake and seemed upset. I lifted the sheets and saw she had no pants and her thighs were wet also there was a large damp patch under her hips, and I knew her father had ejaculated inside her. I comforted her and took her to the bathroom to clean up, and wiped the sperm away using a cloth. But not I dont know what to do. Is this haram and should I share my husband? Please advise, I think the Koran says men can do what they like to women.

    • WTH!! NOOOO- in Islam, men CANNOT do what they want, they can’t force even their wife to have sex if she doesn’t want it. His daughter is FORBIDDEN and off-limits to him FOREVER. He is not allowed to marry her or touch her in any inappropriate way. He needs to be reported and I would take that girl and leave him if I were in your shoes. Go to any respectable Imam of a masjid- they will tell you the same.

      • Also, if she is still a minor and she said she agreed to him doing what he did- it’s still against the laws of Islam an America.

    • Asalaamu Alaikum,

      I don’t normally comment on such things but your post made me feel compelled to do so. It is not allowed AT ALL for a father to have sex with his daughter. That is just not right at all. Men can not do as they wish to women. Please don’t misunderstand. A man is allowed to marry up to four wives but he should do so with careful consideration – that he can treat them all equally in terms of time, money etc etc. This is not something men should take lightly as their equal treatment of their wives is something they are responsible for. This is something they are allowed though so perhaps that’s where your understanding of ‘sharing’ your husband has come from.

      However, you do not, and should not put up with ‘sharing’ your husband with your step-daughter. I’m sorry but that’s wrong and I feel like it is your duty to at least try and bring an end to this. Speak to someone. If your husband won’t listen to reason maybe seek a relative or an Imam. Don’t go and publicize his sin I mean but seek advice from a trusted person. Don’t let the poor girl suffer too. Women are given so many rights and honored in Islam. Please don’t think otherwise.

      I’m so sorry for the situation you are in and I pray it gets better for you soon.

    • I am not an expert on Islam, but I can’t imagine Allah approving of a man having sex with his own daughter. You should call the police if you think this really happened.

    • I’m not sure but it’s just sounds too crazy to be true. Too much detail. sounds like fake. Just wanted to give Muslims a bad image.

  3. OMG, that is so true! I was talking about these things with a friend yesterday, and wow! I brought up at least 90% of the facts that are mentioned in this post. Finding a woman exactly like that may be a little hard though. But anyway! We are not perfect either, are we? Hahaha

  4. Some of this really irritates me, sorry. “Curses her till morning” because she doesn’t want to –. I refuse to believe such Hadith.

  5. SubhanAllah…brother Ismail if you have not responded already please do reach out to your previous reader Marie. What her husband is allegedly doing is wrong on so many levels. Please advise her or direct her to someone who can help.

    • I’ve been on Hajj since that comment. Others have replied in the meantime. If this really happened, they definitely need to go to the police.

  6. This is to Marie. Men CANNOT do whatever they want to women…no matter what religion you are talking about! To do this to his daughter as well, he should be reported to the local authorities. Sick and disgusting! I feel sorry for the daughter having to live with this pervert!

  7. Dear sister
    Please tell you have reported this to police and you have taken the girl and yourself out of your husbands life.

  8. Don’t live worried, frustrated or upset because of what somebody did or what didn’t work out. Come back to a place of peace. It’s not going to work against you; it’s going to work for you.

  9. Additional information to what has already been said I like to give you credit first for seeking advice based on your concerns which are legitimate. Allah is watching us all and it’s your duty to forbidd evil and enjoin good and stop this from happening. This is against the teaching of God laws it’s incest.
    To allow this to continue and do nothing about it it’s oppression for the girl. The daughter has to be take. Out of the home To a safe place and get help for her. PlEase do something for her God will help you. No human has a right to do that it forbidden and if you dnt do anything which I certainly doubt then your to blame for this sin to because you stood back and did nothing. Many Hadith and In the Quran where it states that you should forbid evil and enjoin good please do something I’m so worried and angered by his actions